Just Acting

Chapter 1

“Just acting? Lead role?” Nok’s gasp bounced off the pristine textured walls of his agent’s office. Was the man crazy? Nok had never done more than commercials and small roles.

Kanawat Anwar had been Nok’s agent since Nok’s sophomore year of high school. Kanawat was half kind uncle and half fierce tiger who was determined to get the best roles and deals for his clients.

He had gotten Nok easy work in commercials, which still gave him lots of free time for homework and the money he needed to help his mother keep their house. Once the house was secured, he used the funds to pay for his sister’s school and his college.

“Yes, this is a Y-series.” Leaning toward Nok, Kanawat enunciated each word. “But this is the lead in a promising show from Show & Tell Studio. The last time this author—”

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Huffing out a breath, Kanawat said, “Nok, actors want these types of opportunities. This can be your breakout role and could take you to the next level.”

Nok sighed. He didn’t want to get to the next level; he didn’t even want to be an actor. His goals were simple: helping his family and staying on track with his education. “Yes, but aren’t there any other commercials?”

Kanawat scanned through the stack again and then shook his head.

Pointing out the obvious, Nok said, “I’ve never even played the lead in a university play.”

How would he remember all those lines? And move around at the same time for an entire scene? Commercials lasted for a short time, and they didn’t film you for minutes at a time.

Unlike most people in his profession, he wasn’t seeking fame but only to earn a decent living. He didn’t need to be rich, just to earn enough to take care of his mother and sister.

Kanawat waved him off. “I know you have only done commercials and small parts, but you were good in the roles you played. Acting is acting.” “But a lead role in a drama? That’s a lot—” Of pressure, stress, and

heaps of anxiety, along with worries of being terrible.
Sipping his iced coffee, Kanawat studied him, probably ferreting

out all Nok’s secrets. The man had seen it all. He set his cup on a coaster and took off his glasses. “You’re a good-looking guy, and you have that star quality that audiences love.”

Nok stopped himself from laughing and managed to get out, “Thank you.”

Kanawat straightened the neat stack of folders on his desk and peeled a sheet off the top. “I know you’ve been short on work recently. Here’s the salary for this series.”

Nok glanced at the page Kanawat slid in front of him.

That was a decent amount of money. Not a life-changing number, but not something he could ignore outright. “This is for shooting twelve episodes with the option of a special?”

Kanawat put his glasses back on. “Yes, but there’s a bit more than that.”

“Aw, the catch! How much more?” Something too good to be true usually is.

“With this type of role, there are fan meetups, brand-ambassador deals, internet entertainment interviews, TV interviews, infomercials,

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etc. Some of these appearances do not involve payment, but their purpose is to promote the show, which increases your exposure and makes you more appealing to sponsors. Which means more money.”

Nok swallowed the information. A vine of disappointment snaked through him as refusal became further out of reach. Brand-ambassador deals? Meetups? What else? “Etc.?” he asked.

“For other appearances, the companies requesting an appearance would compensate you, and I’m currently working on merchandise deals. Of course I’d take care of all the details.” Kanawat smiled as if everything was under control.

The sensation of drowning flooded Nok. “It sounds like a lot. How much time are we talking about?”

“Didn’t you just graduate?”

“Yes, but I was thinking of getting a masters.” Nok hadn’t even researched the information on programs he might be interested in, but now seemed to be an excellent time to start.

“Depending on the success of the show, a rough estimate is about a year. The schedule is intense, but this number is only the base salary. The other deals are beyond....”

His sister’s tuition bill was coming due next month, and he wanted to take the pressure off his mom. She was working hard, but her new alteration business had been faltering.

He didn’t have a choice. “When are the auditions?” he asked with a sigh. “Next week.”
Nok probably wouldn’t get the part anyway. “Do you know who―” Kanawat slid a second sheet, this one with names, in front of Nok.

“Here’s the short list of who’s up for the other part.”
He didn’t know anyone on the list, but he skimmed the names. Giving him a smug smile, Kanawat leaned toward him. “Rumor

has it Kulap Thongsi is getting the other lead.”
Clearly Kanawat thought this was exciting news, but should Nok

know that name? “Kulap Thongsi?”
Kanawat pulled out a file and laid it his desk. He tapped on a

picture. “Known as Rose?”
All the air left Nok’s lungs. He locked his jaw so that his mouth remained

closed. This man was beyond model handsome. He was an unattainable wet dream that the entertainment industry packaged and sold to the audience. The headshot alone had Nok wanting to buy whatever this man was selling.

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Closing the file Kanawat broke the spell he had cast over Nok and then said, “He’s one of the Y-series industry’s standards. Super good looks, great actor, smart, and quick on his feet.”

“Sounds perfect for such a role.” Unlike Nok.

Kanawat frowned and swirled the ice around the bottom of his cup. “Though there was a scandal between him and his first series ship, and also the one following.” Nok raised an eyebrow, and Kanawat asked, “What?”

“Ship? What is that?” Did this industry have its own language?

“A ship is a pairing of characters that are in a relationship. It can also mean a hope that two people get together. Some people think shipping actors goes too far. In the past, many actors continued to act like their characters offscreen for popularity.”

“You mean even outside their roles, they have to act like their characters?” That seemed like a lot of pressure.

“Yes, to some extent. This practice of implying there is a romantic relationship between the actors is fading. The problem is, many of the younger fans buy into the relationship in the series being real beyond the story, and it can be ugly when they find out it’s not.”

“The fans expect the actors playing the characters to transfer into real relationships outside of the series?” That was crazy. “It’s just acting. Actors play roles as a job.”

“To be fair a number of actors and actresses meet on set and get into romantic relationships with each other.” Kanawat shrugged. “The same is true with BL actors. Their deep connection with each other can evolve into a romantic relationship. It’s human nature, and given the amount of intimacy involved in these roles, I’m surprised it isn’t more common.”

That made sense to Nok. “Hmm, I guess working that closely together could translate into a real relationship. But if they break up—”

“That creates a bit of a situation. However, regardless of the actors’ relationship status, there are times when the fans are overly protective of the couple. I’ve always thought that is because the Y-series may be the first place the fans ever have seen a gay couple.” Kanawat took a sip of his drink.

“You’ve thought a lot about this.” It would have been great, Nok thought, if he had seen more gay people on Thai TV growing up.

“It’s my job.” Kanawat narrowed his gaze on Nok as if he were seeing him for the first time. “And when the actors are successful in working together, the industry will keep pairing these same actors together across

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different series, and they become a pair. The actors’ closeness grows whether it’s romantic or not, which can add to the belief there’s more.”

Nok nodded. That made sense. “To closeted gay kids, that kind of visibility would be everything. As a teen, figuring out their orientation and seeing a program with gay characters would help them feel less isolated.” These series would have given him hope in his confusing teenage years.

Kanawat pointed at him. “Exactly. They need to know it’s possible for same-sex relationships to exist. Keep in mind same-sex marriage has only recently become legal in Thailand.”

“I know, and there haven’t been a lot of opportunities to see queer people acknowledged in entertainment.” Nok understood how unnerving it was not to view any positive representations in media.

“That is changing too.” Kanawat cleared his throat as he often did when he wanted to get back to the topic at hand. “Anyway, neither of Rose’s working partnerships ended well. This is probably Rose’s last chance to end his career on a high note.”

Nok’s scrunched face probably said more than he intended. He pointed to the picture Kanawat had laid out. “Isn’t that a current headshot?” Kanawat shrugged. “It is. The guy is only in his late twenties, but BL actors don’t have a long shelf life before moving on... unless their

pairing works, and then who knows.”
Trying to absorb the information, Nok nodded.
Kanawat put another page in front of Nok and tapped the list.

“Auditions will include these guys, along with all the walk-ins and models.” Nok stared at the sheet. It featured names of people who were

probably ten times as qualified as him.
Pointing to the first name on the list, Kanawat said, “Gamon

Chaisit. Despite his extensive experience, he’s only accepting secondary characters without a romantic plotline these days. Even though his former ship, Dusit Sitwat, hasn’t acted in several years, Gamon refuses to co-star with any other actor. During interviews he has admitted he’d only take a main role if Dusit Sitwat played opposite him.”

“So why on earth is he auditioning?” Seemed like a waste of time to Nok.

“His fan club will be there, and his agent is probably pushing him. She’s a piece of work.” Kanawat’s tone suggested Nok should be more grateful he wasn’t a tyrant... much.

Nok took a sip of water.

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Kanawat pointed at the next names on the list. “Now Rune Mali and Maaw Ngam will audition, but unless they elbow Kulap Thongsi out completely—”

“Why would they need to?”

“Theyareashippedcouple,havestarredinseveralpopularY-series, and only work together.” Kanawat smiled.

Maybe this was a stupid question, but... “Because?”

“Again, the whole shipping culture. Their fans won’t stand for anything else. A while back, Rune did a drama with a female love interest. The fans barely supported the show, and the ones that did only did so because Maaw did a cameo. Since then they have pledged to only work together. Even though fan culture is changing, it still is an issue to consider.”

The fans seemed scary, but as Nok thought about this, he remembered that his sister was convinced most of her actor crushes were in relationships with their co-stars.

“What about the others on the list?” There were plenty of names left.

“That’s why I think you’ve got a great shot. There’s no one on this list that doesn’t come with baggage or conflicts—scheduling and personal—or isn’t serious about the role.”

“But you mentioned walk-ins, models, and others will audition.” How could Nok get the role instead of them?

Kanawat winked. “Of course. However, you’ve got experience, and I’m representing you. You’ve got a good chance to get this role.”

Still not sure if he wanted the lead, Nok thought there might be a secondary character he could be good for. The money wouldn’t be as much, but it would help.

“I’ll audition.”

“Anong, please.” Nok plugged his ears until his sister stopped squealing. He was glad the neighbor’s house was a distance away from their own.

Bouncing from foot to foot, Anong begged, “Tell me again? You’re auditioning for a Y-series? Which one? Who else is auditioning?”

He cautiously unblocked his ears. “If I tell you, can you promise not to scream?”

“Of course.” She placed a hand over her heart as if he had wrongly accused her of such a thing.

“Not sure of the other names, but the most likely candidate for the lead is Kulap Thongsi.”

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“Rose? Rose! You’re going to audition for the same Y-series as Rose? Can you get his autograph?” Anong danced around the living room, making her school-uniform skirt swirl.

His mother opened the sliding glass door and called out, “I’m home.” Never wanting to be left out of her children’s excitement, she slipped out of her shoes and into her house slippers as she asked, “What’s all the commotion?”

Anong sashayed over. Not only did she steeple her hands to give her mother a wai, but then she hugged her as well. “Nok is going to be a famous Y-series actor.”

Mother pressed her lips to the top of Anong’s head, then smiled at him. “Noknoi?”

He put his hands together and bowed his head to greet his mother with respect. She looked exhausted and drained. “I have an audition next week,” he said.

She inhaled deeply and then smiled with pride. “I’m so proud of you.”

“I didn’t get the role yet.” Nok hoped he could manage everyone’s expectations.

“It doesn’t matter. I am proud of both my children.” Never one to be told not to celebrate her children’s successes, she crowed even about his auditions as if they were accomplishments.

Anong burst out, “Guess what? Kulap Thongsi—you know, Rose— will be the lead.”

Nok’s mother’s eyes sparkled. “He’s quite an actor.”

Anong threw herself on the sofa. “You mean he’s pretty, and he has good hair?”

Blinking rapidly, their mother pressed her lips together but failed to hide her mirth. She giggled. “Anong. Don’t be naughty. He’s also a talented actor.”

“Yes, Mommy.” His sister laughed and then announced, “We need to teach Nok about Y-series dramas. He knows nothing.”

“It’s good that I brought home dinner.” Mother held up bags of shrimp soup.

Anong grabbed bowls and spoons from the kitchen. “Can we eat in front of the TV?”

His mother smiled. “Usually my answer would be no, but tonight is an exception.”

The three of them took their seats on the sofa with their soup on the coffee table.

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Anong scrolled through her collection. “I think we should watch Don’t Break My Heart, the series. They made the show a few years ago, but it’s one of our favorites.”

Nodding, their mother said, “Oh, I like this one. It’s so sad that Dusit Sitwat and Gamon Chaisit don’t work together anymore. They were cute together and looked happy in the behind-the-scenes footage.”

“I really think they were a real couple.” His sister sighed; she seemed to have emoji hearts where her eyes should be.

“They may have been.” Mother shook her head. “But all we know is they seemed to be close.”

“Is this where actors in a ship pretend to be more and won’t work in a major role with any other actors?” Nok needed to get comfortable using these terms so he didn’t sound awkward.

His sister exhaled hard. “Possibly, but we’ll probably never know. The whole situation breaks my heart. Don’t get me started. It’s my dearest wish that those two actors work together again.”

Nok didn’t mention Gamon Chaisit would audition for this new series, because it would no doubt invite another round of flash-fire questions from Anong that he didn’t have the answers to.

He guided his sister back from a fangirl rant before she started by asking, “What’s this story about?”

Anong folded her arms over her chest. “Basically, high school guys fall in love, and their parents walk in on them when they are... you know, busy. The parents send one character away overseas while the other character stays in Thailand. It’s so sad.”

That hit Nok in his feelings. When he was younger, before he came out, he had been terrified of that kind of treatment.

His mother pressed her nose against his cheek and then his sister’s. She shook her head with a frown. “I don’t know how any parent could punish a child for being who they are.”

Nok caught her eye and hoped his expression conveyed the gratitude he felt. When she found him kissing a boy, he only received love. Though she also gave them both a lecture on safe sex. When Nok balked, she reminded him that if he’d liked girls, she’d be giving them the same talk, including the responsibilities of parenthood for unintended consequences along with the safe-sex discussion. Then she’d grilled the boy to determine if he was worthy of Nok’s kisses... turned out he wasn’t.

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His sister’s dramatic sigh grabbed his attention. “It’s so horrible. Gamon and Dusit were supposed to do another season, which would have been based on novels three through five, but that didn’t happen. I wanted to see their reunion as adults.”

His mom tapped his sister’s knee. “Come on, in the last episode Dusit’s character was at work in a suit looking at a resumé. The camera zoomed in so we knew Gamon’s character would be interviewing with Dusit’s character. You know it will lead to them reconnecting.”

“Yeah, but time skips aren’t the same.” Anong added for his benefit, “When the story jumps to the future to shorthand the misery, it feels choppy.”

Their mom yawned and then nudged his sister. “Let’s watch the show. It’s early enough for us to watch all of it.”

Anong started the show. “Oh see these two? They are the side couple but no side couple syndrome here.”

His mom added to his confusion. “Not with Gamon Chaisit and Dusit Sitwat as the leads.”

“I need a translator for this new language.” Nok paused the show. “Please explain side couple and this syndrome.”

Both Anong and his mom chuckled.

“I got this.” Anong leaned toward him with a serious expression as she appeared to go into BL professor mode. “The side couple is the secondary relationship in the series. The production house is giving these actors experience and exposure so they can be ready to take on lead roles. Now secondary couple syndrome is what fans call it when the side couple captures the audience’s attention more than the lead couple.”

“Ah, okay. I got it.” Why Kanawat isn’t sending him to audition for a side couple gig? That would make more sense. He started the show again. The actors impressed Nok. Gamon Chaisit’s tears weren’t from a menthol tear stick. Everything in him conveyed sadness at the loss of his

love.
Dusit Sitwat’s anger radiated off him in waves, and Nok felt like he

should take notes. How did he even have a chance against talent like this? They watched the entire series even though it kept them all up late.

Finally, after midnight, the story ended on a high note.
His sister pointed to the television. “Dusit is sitting behind the desk

looking at the resumé. Then he sets it on the table and picks up the phone. Pause it! Pause it right here!”

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Z. Allora

He did.

She jumped off the couch and pointed to the clipboard Dusit’s character had set down. “See the name? See the name!”

“I do.”

“In the novels, he calls the personnel department to schedule an interview with Gamon’s character, and after some twists and turns, they get back together. All the fans know that is happening... but we want to see it! They were supposed to do a special episode, and—”

“Perhaps they will.” Mother yawned. “Okay, it’s well past time for bed.”

Anong might have begged to stay up later, but Nok stood, confirming it was bedtime. “Thank you for watching the drama with me. I have a lot to process. Can we watch another tomorrow?” he asked.

“Of course.” Anong nodded enthusiastically and then headed to her bedroom. She called out, “I’ll figure out which one.”

His mother smiled her thanks.
“You look tired,” Nok said.
“I am,” his mother said. “There were two wedding dresses that

needed significant alterations.”
“I wish you didn’t have to work so hard.” Nok might not want the

role, but he couldn’t deny that auditioning would be worth it if it got him a secondary role with a salary that would give the family some financial breathing room.

“I don’t mind. As long as I get to see you and Anong at the end of the day, I’m happy.” His mother stifled a yawn.

“Good night,” Nok said, hoping his mom would get some sleep.

Nok took a quick shower, then got on his laptop and gathered a list of every drama and commercial Rose—Kulap Thongsi—was in. Not up for another drama tonight, he followed Rose on his social media pages and searched images, and....

Wow. Swallowing hard, Nok perused the stunning pictures Rose and his fans had posted of him. Damn, no wonder he was a sought-after model and actor. As stunning as Rose was overall, for Nok it was the big brown eyes framed in long lashes that soothed Nok’s soul.

He followed a link to Rose’s YouTube channel. Even without a script, Rose was charming. No wonder he had such a strong fan base.

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Maybe it was all just acting, but Rose was not only handsome, but smart and kind and—oh no! Now Nok was starting to sound like his sister.

Despite himself, he clicked on to the first episode of Rose’s first Y-series drama. Rose was a dream... a sexy wet dream.

Nok couldn’t help but get a little hard, especially during the sex scenes. Watching as Rose bent his co-star into a pretzel and thrust against him made Nok breathless and jealous.

Throwing off his blanket, Nok tried to cool off. How the actors managed not to come for real during these scenes was beyond him. When he saw a donut commercial, he wanted to eat a donut.

The kissing scenes were sensuous and sweeter than anything he’d ever experienced. Nok wished he had a boyfriend to share his lips with like this.

A few more episodes in and instead of feeling the chemistry between the actors sizzle, their connection kind of fizzled.

Nok firmly believed that if he had been acting opposite Rose, they would have set the scenes on fire. Whether Nok gave or received, together he and Rose would ignite the sheets, the floor, the desk chair, and... the shower?

Mmm, Rose in a shower, water running down his muscles.
A quick glance at his bedroom door showed he had flicked the lock. Nok groped for his dick and rolled his foreskin over the tip. He

followed the length to the base and back to the top. A drip of precum leaked from the tip. With his thumb he rubbed the wetness over the top as he imagined Rose’s tongue.

His gaze returned to his laptop.

Fuck! Rose was beautiful, and his mouth.... Nok would enjoy those lips on his.

He cast himself as the recipient of Rose’s no doubt talented tongue. Rose’s mouth, he was sure, wouldn’t only be quick with interview answers. Hot, wet, and eager—Nok imagined how incredible he would feel inside Rose’s mouth.

Maybe he should feel guilty for objectifying the actor, but his dick had no conscience. He probably wouldn’t even see Rose at the audition, let alone get the part.

In Nok’s mind, Rose dropped to his knees.

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He stroked himself faster. It had been a while since he’d sought release, and right at this moment, he’d do just about anything to come.

With one hand, he clicked through images of Rose while he stroked himself off with the other. There was something in Rose’s gaze that assured him Rose would be a considerate, gentle lover, but playfully rough. He would lavish his attention on Nok, giving him long, full licks along the length of his erection.

Several photos of Rose posed shirtless caught his eye. Rose’s sculpted body was on display, but the confident glint in his eyes was even sexier.

Nok would bet he didn’t have a fragile ego like Nok’s ex. No, Rose didn’t need approval. He took and gave what he wanted, which would be exactly what Nok needed.

Almost there, Nok slowed and edged his orgasm. He wanted....

Yeah! He found a picture of Rose staring directly into the camera as he licked his full, generous lips.

Nok swore he heard those lips whisper, “I want to love you forever.” Where did that come from?
Refocusing on chasing pleasure, he could feel Kulap “Rose”

Thongsi’s lips sliding over his cock and sweet suction attempting to pull the cum directly out of him—

Game over!

He came. Pleasure pulsed out until his mind caught up with his body and slowed his hand. Sagging onto the bed, Nok relaxed and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Rose was staring at him from the computer screen.

Nok chuckled. Well, that will never happen in real life, but it is a lovely fantasy.